I'mTerrified, okay? Sue me...

Okay, so I'm scared to death right now. Terrified even, and I really want to go take a test just to confirm in my mind that I'm not overreacting, but how can I not overreact when me and my boyfriend are talking last night/this morning and he jokingly states: "Well, I might have to kick you to the curb." Seriously?

But it's my body.

Then, then, I get up and come to this office (let's not even mention that I couldn't sleep last night at all and kept on waking up with an irrational fear, which--in hindsight--isn't all that irrational), and I get online to do research and I find two bloggers at war with each other on this issue and it's not helping me at all.

So, I'm freaked because I know if I make a decision (and mind you, contrary to any of that "you're a couple so it's a joint decision crap", it's still ultimately my body and my decision) then I'll have to leave with it and he JUST might kick me to the curb and find someone else.

I said I don't want them now, but that doesn't mean I don't at all. Just not NOW. I'm stingy. I'm 23. I haven't seen the world yet. I haven't done anything worth mentioning. I'm selfish.

I scared shitless.

Oh please, oh please just start already.


Dashboard Confessionals...

I haven't updated in such a long while with anything meaningful that I'll bet many think I've gone off the deep-end. I have three journals: one is the guilty pleasure of self-pity, the other is just the congregation of stories that I have variously compiled over the years and this one...? Well, I have absolutely no clear what this one is.

I could argue and say that it is like Victor, but then Victor is filled with much self-hate and has been buried in my closet. I could say that this is like Victoria, but Victoria is filled with too much self-discovery that it's too raw to put out for the public to see and judge. So, what are you, blogger?

When I come up with an answer, I'll give you a name.


I Want to Feel How I Want to Feel Forever

You know that whole potential thing. Yeah. Methinks I'm wasting mine. I feel like I should be branching out in some kind of drastic way. Stop playing it safe, Erica. Grrruff!


The Dreaded Day Has Passed...Hooray!!

Dear Blogspot:

Okay...an update. The day that I've been dreading has come to pass and the universe has not shrivelled in on itself and collapsed. Trust me. It's a good thing. What is this dreaded day, you may ask? Well, my ex-boyfriend got married to the chick he cheated on me with nearly a year and some months ago. I was dreading it: 1) because, despite my current boyfriend, I still care about that [expletive] boy that I gave my heart to that long while ago and 2) I hate/dislike the chick that he married because...well...a little voice in my head wanted to cry "she stole him from me!" But how can you steal something that was so readily given? The first one to join is usually the first one to back out, and he was the first one to back out of the relationship.

now, don't get me wrong. I care about him, but I'm not in-love with him or love him anymore. I know that if he ever approached me in any way, shape or form in a way that wouls suggest "hey-let's-you-and-me...da da da la-ta-da" I'd probably kill him. But, if we were able to become friends, I'd be cool with that. It's hard to not feel something that a person that you gave that much of your heart to and trusted almost implicitly for a while. But, meeting him was a good lesson for me in the long run, and it teaches to not...well, let's just say that it taught me a lot of things.

I mean, when I was told by a few friends that he was getting married, I kind of got a 'WTF?' look on my face because I was all like "hang on, neither one of them has a decent place to stay, she's the only one who has a job and neither one of their parents have the money to afford a wedding...WTF is this?" But then I stopped myself and said: "does it matter?" I had to stop myself from marching up to Art Institute of Atlanta and say, "Nick, have you lost your cotton-pickin mind?! How the hell are you going to afford a ring?! You've NEVER held down a job, balanced your own checking account and YOU DON'T HAVE A JOB! Neither one of you has a REAL place to stay except AiA student Housing? Did you get her knocked-up?!!" But, that wasn't my place and he ALWAYS hated it when I pointed out the flaws in any situation (matter of fact, a lot of people hate that. It's not like I say, "Hey, don't do it because this-this-this-and-this could happen. I'm more like: Here's the details. NOW, do you really want to take that course of action?" I'm a Libra; I can't help it). So, I left it alone.

So, I'm at Sutra Lounge last night with my girls Laila and Shari, and Laila's boyfriend, Marcus, and my boyfriend, Shawn, and when La La and Shawn went to put some stuff in the car, Marcus pulls me aside to first discuss a fighting tournament that's coming up in a few weeks (Am SOOOO going! <3!) and then to discuss Nick and Blasina (that's the chick's name)'s wedding. I wasn't attempting to listen. Okay, I'm lying...I was, but only because Shari was indignant that she didn't get invited and Marcus went onto say that no one came except her family and a few of Nick's family, but the key people that were supposed to come abandoned him (ie his groomsmen and the rest of the groom's wedding party), and that Marcus himself didn't really go, but heard about it from another friend who had gone. The rumor was that because no one at AiA really liked Blasina that they didn't show up because they didn't agree with him, Nick, marrying her.

And I was a little shocked because when I'd heard about it from La La that she wouldn't go unless Marcus went (and Marcus didn't go), I was a little ticked because I knew that while Nick, Marcus and Blasina had had a falling-out last year, I knew La La was still at least on speaking terms with Nick (then again, she too had had a falling out this year with Blasina over some inappropriate comments that the former had made about Marcus) and that if they had felt that they wanted to invite her, then she should've gone to support her friends and been apart of their day (I don't know if it makes me a chump for wanting Nick to have a happy life even if it is with her or if it somehow gives me some extra Karma points for my next life...I know! *Announcer voice*: "Now YOU can win Karma POINTS and apply them to our GRAND PRIZE SWEEPSTAKES...should you die in this life, you'll be reborn as a PRINCESS!!! *applause track rolls*)

Like I said, I still care about the knuckle head, no matter what happened (even though I felt a little vindication that he had a crappy wedding...it's bad, I know, but when you have a heavy influence of Venus-in-Scorpio, it makes you a little bitter, a little vindictive and a mite bit happy at your enemies' suffering...I try to balance it out though, with my insanely neurotic nature).

I'm just...happy that I didn't get depressed. I usually do when the subject of Nick is brought up, but this time, I was good. I could look at his picture without thinking, "I wonder if I could cook up a spell to ruin his face, DAMN THE CONSEQUNCES!!!" Instead, I look at it and think, "I hope you have a wonderful life with you new wife and that you both get what you want and need and that you both are successful in your chosen careers and, if you should want to go the route of parenting, that you don't have retarded babies" (look, I'm not the most articulate being out there. Sometimes, I say some pretty rude and offensive stuff. Sue me!......................
Wait, don't sue me. I can't afford it. All I've got is a few thousands books, a busted jackass computer and a few pipe dreams. Please, tread softly. You're treading on my dreams.)

Anyway, that same night, Marcus tells me about the tournament, he also tells me that his "worst enemy is going to be there". Now, he has a long list of enemies, and I know that Blasina ranks as one of them, so I'm on my guard, but he says some other dude is going to be there, and in my head I'm all like, "Good because that bitch don't want me to throw down! NYAR!"

It's juvenile, I know.

It's immature, I know.

And disliking the girl won't get me the dreams that I want to achieve, but sometimes...just sometimes...I really just....UGH! (somehow, I think I missed the point of the post).