12.24.2008

wHY DO i EVER TRY? Why do I ever think that...I can't do this.

12.23.2008

I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU THAT HURTS

All day today. Lying isn't the most fun a girl can have...sometimes, it hurts when you do it to yourself.

12.18.2008

Which Way To Murder

I'm irritated. What else is new? I don't know...you actually I do know why I'm irritated, I just don't know how to express what is pissing me off right now. Strippers, stripclubs and my current boyfriend's need to discuss with me his feelings, thoughts, recollections and reflections on why he likes them and would probably like to visit them again in the future (this is all just conjecture though. I'm not sure if he'd actually disrespect this relationship by doing so because if he did, he'd be out the damn door faster than you could saw: "WTF?"). Anyway, on numerous talks we've had--and I'm trying not to be the type of girlfriend that says, "HEY, can you PLEASE stop talking about this shit? I really don't give a damn." In that sense of giving a damn as in, I don't like to hear you talk about this type stuff because it either makes me uncomfortable or mad as hell--he tells me how he had a predilection of going to strip clubs and that in the span of maybe a month, he literally forked over 600.00 dollars.

Blink.

Come again. Six hundred damn dollars, and you can just hear the wistful sound to his voice, a kind of those-were-the-days type sound that makes me want to ball up my first and punch him one good time in the mouth. AND THEN, he makes the oh-so-stupid mistake of telling about him wanting to get with a stripper and that he doesn't like those particular high class gentlemen's clubs where you're not allowed to touch the strippers and I'm just thinking, "Oi vey, shut up already." But I don't say anything of this to him; I feel he should have the ability to express his feelings on specific subjects.

Sigh.

And the only real reason this has come up is because a friend of his girlfriend is going to take said friend out to a strip club for his birthday, and this friend wanted to know if my boyfriend wanted to come. Funnily enough, now that I think about it, said friend did NOT ask whether or not my boyfriend wanted to bring me either. No, no, what my boyfriend said was, "I'll call you back on that decision." Hung up the phone and THEN asked me if I wanted to tag along. Kudos to him for being smart enough to tell me, minus the kudos for me having to recall: "OH YEAH, this is that friend who is sleeping around with a woman who is ENGAGED. YEAH, that's awesome! Let's all go out and chill with the two cheating skanks and have a jolly wonderful time!"

Esta puthamadre baboso.

But that's not the only thing I'm irritated about. Oh no. I'm also irritated that somehow last night we got into the discussion of living together and he somehow thought that it was a bright idea to get a two bedroom so that he can his own room and I can have mine.

Blink. Blink.

Sometimes, I want to ask him where his head is at and whether or not there is a filter that SHOULD be operational in his head that says to him: "Uh-uh, don't say that!" Because when he makes statements like that it makes me wonder, where the hell is your head at? Why do you let sheer stupid come out of your mouth without asking yourself if that's the brightest or dumbest idea you've had this century? What the hell?

I get it. Life isn't a fairy tale and certain things don't go as you plan, but I've always thought that when I got into a relationship with someone there'd be somethings that would just be done formally: meeting of the parents for example, formal; getting asked to move-in, formal; meeting the friends, formal. And mayhap it's just my overly romantic side, but you know, not alot of that has happened. Last relationship, didn't meet the parents formally: it was kind of like,"Hey! Here you go!" This time around, kind of the same difference. What is it about me that just makes people think: "Hey! Here you go!"

But this isn't the only thing. The apartment situation is erking me because it's just that I when I said, "What do you mean 'two bedroom'?" He was all like, "Well you know, it could be like us having our own apartment and when you wanted to come by..." And after that my brain only heard "blah blah blah blah..blah blah...blah blah blah...blah blah..." And I'm just thinking, WTH? I pass it off as a joke, but after my brain has gotten the chance to go over it, it's kind of like: "WTF?" Why do he say things like that to me? Where is his head at in this relationship?

I should've realized that this is a bad relationship to be in because my Mom likes him. Every time my mom liked someone, they always turned out to having some part of them that is severely lacking in something.

Like Tuesday for example. It was supposed to be OUR day: he said we were going to a movie and have dinner, and I'm all bubbly saying in my head: "YAY!!! Finally!" But then that Monday, surprise sur-frickin-prise, his friend Lamonte got to tag along too, so that on that Tuesday there was no back-up plan as to what we were supposed to do and my friend Shari was feeling sick (when does this girl NEVER S.T.O.P. needing my help) and I had to take her to the hospital because she wasn't sure if she was pregnant or not (and yet the moron doesn't seem like she needs to use a condom when having sex because she doesn't like them; okay. Blink. Frickin-blink. WHAT?!!! If you get knocked the fuck up then it's your own damn fault, huh?), so I didn't get my day with him and he once again got to chill with his friends and play video games and chill with that fucking girl and her fucking mother and I'm getting fucking irritated. More on that later. I didn't say no to that Monday-even though I wanted to, but like I said: not mean and I'm not one to deny another person their happiness no matter how pissed off I may get or ho much I want to say 'no'; WALKING DOORMAT HERE, PEOPLE-because I figured he would've had a back-up plan. Nope! He had no clue as to what we were going to do, even though he said, "Nope, that Tuesday's just going to be you and me."

Now look at me, I'm getting all worked up again and angry.

Huff.

And there are other sheer stupid that comes out of his mouth, other things that he'll say that makes me wonder why the fuck am I here. Like, he'd tell me about his relationship with his ex, and my mind is like a sponge people, so when I hear these things I'm going to remember them when say something similar comes up and I think, "Huh, so you could buy this bitch a car, but if I want something tiny done, we have a problem? You can let this bitch stay at your apartment, run up your bills, fuck UP your credit and you two argue all the damn time, but if *I* want something tiny, we have a problem?" WHAT THE FUCK?!!!

Maybe I'm not being fair.

Maybe I'm exploding all of these flaws because I'm used to being treated like I'm the only one that matters, that while I'm in your room, you're not going to be blatantly looking at your ex girlfriend's Myspace page where I can clearly see, that you're not recieving random phone calls from whoever-the-goodly-fuck at 3am in the morning, and most importantly, you are NOT going to think it's appropriate to let them girl you WERE fucking with to do the hair of the girl you are CURRENTLY fucking with.

It's that filter I was talking about.

Geez!

Not only that, but then my mom tells him last night when she saw my hair and that it's gotten shorter (horrible cutting hair mistake of mine, but it needed to be cut anyway, and she suggested me cutting it and starting over), that I used to have such long hair when I was a kid and that it used to be so good and awesome before my coursins cut it and my aunt put a straightener relaxer thing in my hair. So, as we're in the car driving back to his house, he's all like: "I would've been so much more attracted you if you had longer hair." And I'm like, "WTF?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" (read: I'm going to grab this wheel and drive this car into a ditch). He appologized, of course, telling, but I am attracted to you! And I laugh it off because that's just how I am, it didn't hurt until well, it brings up the fact that I never talk about his shortcomings or tell him: "I'd be SOOOOOO much more attracted to you if you were taller or were well built like say Steve Yoo." I aceept the way he looks because it's fine for me, he looks good to me, he's beautiful to me. I don't need some stripper to puff me up and talk to me to make me feel good about myself, I don't need to do any of that becase I KNOW who I am and what I am, but when you're significant other says something about apart of you that you are pretty proud of, or are vain about, or are a little unsure about, it kind of hurts.

/rant

12.03.2008

I Have To Pour It Out Somewhere

I want to murder him. Well, I want to wipe them both from existence, but I'm not willing to sully my karma for either of them, but it all just makes me so angry, and the anger feels like this thing crawling up through me, burning and caustic. It's a thing that just makes me want to set fire to something, punch something, hurt something and it rips apart my self-control to the point where the illusion of my centered-ness is shattered and my heart screams: why?! A woman scorned indeed. I want to make them both hurt and suffer and feel the pain that they've caused, but I NEED to let this go and not let it consume me; it's not worth it. I have too much to do in my life and not enough time. When we are born, life is a slow march onward to death. I've got to get my life on track, be with my boyfriend and enjoy my friends, enjoy the breath that I breathe and the heart that beats steady in my chest. I have to focus on my life path and not do things merely to show someone else how well I'm doing. Life isn't about one-upping other people.

I am beautiful, and I am strong and free and able to do things within the scope of my life that God allows. I'm trying to reconnect and rediscover my faith and my God, who I left behind because of some stupid child. I'm trying to find a peace and calm within my soul so that this anger doesn't tear me up inside or eat at me so that I can't function. I know it's no good to bury it and pretend it doesn't exist, but what else am I to do? I have to let it go. I can't let the Scorpio, or whatever the fuck ails me, to let this gnaw at me and my life. I want to figure out how to be free of this emotional menace. They say that you don't actually get over your first, and that's cool. Whatever. But, I can't help this sneaking thing that crawls up inside of me that wants and screams for blood. What am I do with that?

What am I to do?