I want to murder him. Well, I want to wipe them both from existence, but I'm not willing to sully my karma for either of them, but it all just makes me so angry, and the anger feels like this thing crawling up through me, burning and caustic. It's a thing that just makes me want to set fire to something, punch something, hurt something and it rips apart my self-control to the point where the illusion of my centered-ness is shattered and my heart screams: why?! A woman scorned indeed. I want to make them both hurt and suffer and feel the pain that they've caused, but I NEED to let this go and not let it consume me; it's not worth it. I have too much to do in my life and not enough time. When we are born, life is a slow march onward to death. I've got to get my life on track, be with my boyfriend and enjoy my friends, enjoy the breath that I breathe and the heart that beats steady in my chest. I have to focus on my life path and not do things merely to show someone else how well I'm doing. Life isn't about one-upping other people.
I am beautiful, and I am strong and free and able to do things within the scope of my life that God allows. I'm trying to reconnect and rediscover my faith and my God, who I left behind because of some stupid child. I'm trying to find a peace and calm within my soul so that this anger doesn't tear me up inside or eat at me so that I can't function. I know it's no good to bury it and pretend it doesn't exist, but what else am I to do? I have to let it go. I can't let the Scorpio, or whatever the fuck ails me, to let this gnaw at me and my life. I want to figure out how to be free of this emotional menace. They say that you don't actually get over your first, and that's cool. Whatever. But, I can't help this sneaking thing that crawls up inside of me that wants and screams for blood. What am I do with that?
What am I to do?
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