Her Children Are As Numerous As The Fish In The Sea

Sometimes it hurts.

I don't know how to describe it. Just a feeling inside, like I'm about to burst with some kind of emotion that just washes through me and causes me to sit up and want to scream, but I'm frozen staring at the screen of my television, wondering where I'm going wrong with my life.

I know I'm only 21, soon to be 22 and that life for me isn't over and that I have so many years to live, but I don't know that. Tomorrow, I could hop in my car and it's bye-bye for good. How do I know I have those days or years for me? How do I know that there's anything waiting for me at the end? I could be born only to die at some premature time.

I'm stupid, and an idiot and if I had to do a self-diagnosis, I'd say I was scared.

I prayed to Papa Legba to send a message to Oshun and Yemaya, Mami Wata both: Please. Please. Please. I light my candles and pray to you because these gods came before and they were worshipped in the days of old and may be they have sway over the human hearts still.

I don't know. I want to hope for things and I'm not sure if I even have the right. I feel so old, even though I'm so young and the old ones will probably say that being so young that's why I feel so old: I've got the luxury because my bones don't creak and my memory is sound (sometimes). But I feel like I've had my happiness and it's just...it's fading and I'm not going to be happy anymore.

Well, I'm capable of happiness...

I just don't know how to find the kind I want.

So, I ask again:

Mami Wata...

Please?