I've Been Crawling Through The Dark Looking For The Answers

I think I'm too nice for my own good. I've probably said this somewhere in a different post, but it kind of bears repeating because a thought had occurred to me and it often stems from my friend Ashley, and sometimes it stems from my friend Katie and even my friend Shari, in which it seems to be perfectly fine to impose their lives on mine and me being too gracious to just say: 'No, I'm sorry. I can't deal with that or you right now, I've got my own shit.' Take for instance my apartment. It's MY apartment with my name on the lease and ME paying all the bills and anything else that suddenly pops up to surprise me or bite me on the ass. Not anyone else and I'm not asking for anyone else to do anything for this place either. I took on the responsibility and am dealing with it. Reveling in it, really. But it just burns me a little bit (okay, not a little bit...alot) that whenever Ashley comes over to my apartment to stay for a bit that if MY couch/bed has been tampered with she automatically gets 'critical' (*cough* hostile *cough*) and asks: 'Aye yo, shawty, who's been sleeping on my bed?'

It doesn't occur to me of course until later that she seems to get that way a lot about the furniture I purchase and the apartment that I am paying for. Such as when I first got this place she says: 'So, what does our apartment look like?' Not OUR apartment, you numb nut, MY apartment. It burned me then, but I didn't say anything because I was too happy to have a place of my own to care (and I'm still kind of like: Whoa, muthfuckahs! I got an apartment!!!).

But she makes comments like that and then gets a little hostile if she finds out Shari stays at my place (and since when did my home become some kind of commune for everyone else?) and asks me: 'She doesn't sleep on my couch does she?' It's MY couch and why I haven't just gone on ahead and said,'Hey, Ashley, fuck off. It's MY couch, therefore if I WANT some else to sleep on it, I CAN and you're not PAYING for it so you can't DECIDE who stays WHERE.' But if I said it exactly like that I might get the cold shoulder and everyone knows how us 'Libras' hate being hated.

And then onto Shari: why is it that you HAVE to stay at my place all the godawful time? It's not like I don't like friends or even having them, but when nearly every other night of the week you are staying at my place, that's a problem. I like my solitude and space and I don't need to have to conversate with people (unless I'm fucking you, but that's a different story) all the time. I'm not THAT sociable, and it burns me when I tell her this she gets hostile with me (granted, I compared her to the cats that got to her school, but really she IS just like them: she can't be by herself and claims to like her solitude, but keeps txting me asking me 'what r u doin?' Um....'working'....'oh...k' D'oh!!!!!!) It's not like I mind it (okay, I do) because I'm just not used to the whole friends-wanting-to-hang-with-you bit. I didn't have many friends growing up and those that I did have unstood my NEED for solitude because thay had a NEED as much as I do.

It's just that it irks me that it's so easy for these people to impose on me, but I try not to impose on them, and I figure I should say something or else I'll end up exploding on them and damamging my friendship, but even if I do say something, they'll (and I) will eventually go back to the same old habits as if I hadn't said anything at all.

*sigh*

That's why I just disappear for days on end.

Sometimes, I just can't handle all the pressure to be the chameleon everyone else wants me to be.